THE FUNERAL

Photo: Dustin James

There’s a pair of hands wringing my gut. I don’t like it. There is a scared child crying in my head.  Small talk preceded this agony. Now the fear has settled in as I take my seat on the slow train to Portland. It’s always hard to say goodbye.  Last week, Randy didn’t get to say goodbye (another victim on SoCal roadways). This week I did. I had my third in my life. The move to CA (1989) and then a move back to NY (1994). Now 2016. I know, sad to call it a funeral but when else do people come out to share stories of you other than birthdays and weddings, neither of which are to say farewell. And to the religious, death is usually a transition to a better place. I guess that is just for some depending on your  belief structure. As I rode my bike over to Ritual by myself the thought of similarities to this party and funerals made an appearance and it continued into the foundation of this post. We’ve all been there, you tell yourself or your friend, “we need to get together” and then you go about your ’normal’ life and routine. Those thoughts fade and in a lot of cases so does that person. Then the end of life sneaks up and you deal with the guilt of just not making the time to tell someone how much they meant. Last night I got a chance. Many of the wonderful people that came out last night, I will never see again. In most cases, the hole left by their absence will be filled by others or obligations. This is a good thing as it leaves opportunity for others to enter your life and even more possibilities. I know none of those that entered my life will ever really leave it from my heart and head. Well until my  atoms release their bonds and move on. But that’s the great thing about starting over, I take all of you with me. Sometimes for long journeys some for shorter ones but everyone plays a part in writing my story. Back to fear. It starts to lead to doubt in my decision. So why go? Because this reaction is based on an immediate feeling of loss, not of gain. I got here because my life wasn’t having enough time of feeling alive. Last night I felt it but those days are fewer and fewer as I settled into the conventional life. As we all fall into, well most of us. I’ve done this before and was scared before of the unknown. But it turned out incredible. Hell, I met so many incredible humans, oh and dogs. They’ve taken me along their journey at times and shared parts of their souls. Now it’s time, time to continue my ride elsewhere. No idea how long, but till I get tired of the road or something takes me away from it.It’s Monday morning now and the fear has subsided but I expect a return at times. And stunning sunrise greeted me this morning as I opened my eyes on the train. A New Day. Expecting to share time with Nathan, a semi typical millennial with a thick ass beard that serves as a food net. If it were on top of his head (which there is not a lick of hair) it might serve well as a permanent pillow. I met Nathan at lunch after chatting with 2 ladies from Peru that were very excited to tell me (and show me) their grandchildren and stories of Peru. Nathan, I suspect has no clue how loud his voice is and the next gentleman that was seated with us winced at the first words uttered and soon had his headphones on and pumping up the volume. Never seen I guy eat so fast and ask for a check that didn’t have a place to be. Great conversation at lunch that continued onto the observation car which was a lot quieter to the point I kept lowering my voice as a subliminal cue to him, which actually worked. Yes I know, I too have a fairly loud vocal projection.

Photo: Joe Dittemore                            Photo: JC Belliard

So about that party. What an evening. I managed to do a damn good job pacing myself. I was determined not to have the day’s food and drink go out through the in door. Water and food was also being constantly scoped out. Plenty of Strongman Pizza boxes laying around with a slice or two. Boy, I should have asked for a sponsorship with all that pizza deliveries, it looked like a Super Bowl Party. Not was all good though. I have a tradition a dancing barefoot whenever GrooveSession plays. Dancing barefoot is great. Dancing and jumping around on asphalt for any prolonged period not so much the day after. First time I’ve gotten dancin’ blisters. Ouch. Thanks to GrooveSession for the continued inspiration to foot abuse. #feethangover. Again a big shout  out to the scores of people that showed up. Lots of surprises and yes a few disappointments. Some people that mean a lot weren’t able to make it and I wish we could have shared a fun time together, some positive vibrations mon. I know I’ve disappointed a few folks, such is life. But one thing that is different from my past ‘funerals’ is technology has added a new dimension to interacting with past, present and future. So there will be opportunity to keep friendships going and hopefully settle some disappointed people I will miss. Going to be a trip to leave a digital imprint in lives without really knowing what that leads to. OK that’s enough. One last thing I have to settle up. Besides my wife, there are three individuals I have to acknowledge that deserve a reward that I could never pay. Michael, Chuck and Travis. You three kept me alive. You put up with my heart that turned dark and never pointed me to the light but rather became that light. You shared and listened. And for that I opened a bottle of Black Butte XXIII and toasted our past, present and future. THANK YOU!