OLD DOG LEARNING AN OLD TRICK

Nothing comes without a price, especially when you go "all in". Enough euphemisms.

So the question, "What's wrong?"  Answer "ME".

 I decided to make a drastic change because living trapped in "Groundhog Day" didn't suit me. I love my wife, dogs, family and friends but change is a consistency I long for , which I know is an oxymoronic statement. Running a non profit, the Inland Empire Biking Alliance, was a second big factor in this decision. A non profit founded by passion is "no way to go through life son." A few people tried to warn me but that nagging little angel on my shoulder would counter it with "you have to be the change you want to see'.  AHHH! Now I'm thinking it was the devil, not an angel. All the pats on the back and 'your making a difference', led to a decline in physical health and financial well being. With two strikes it was inevitable that I would whiff the next issue, mental fatigue. (Allan Holdsworth just entered my mind). "How long can this go on?". About a year. I didn't realize the true cost of installing 'ghost bikes' and even a year talking about it with a professional wasn't helping. So down I went, down the tunnel of self doubt and worthlessness. Things got violent at times and the pats on the back became a push off a cliff. Days of laying in bed thinking, well maybe not thinking, more like feeling embarrassed. For failing to be a good husband and providing a wonderful woman a better life. For failing to inspire people to make a difference. By giving up a career which could have led to retiring next year.  By all measurements of modern society I was a loser.

There is always a danger when you start to use someone else's measuring tape to size up your own worth. A lot of the time, it ends poorly. Almost did again. What's the underlying emotion that drove me to self loathing, GUILT. It has always been a driving force in my life. Partly because I'm a bleeding heart and partly due to a prior life of loneliness that manifested in a need to be liked. I've dealt with the later better over the years and found comfort in being a misfit.  But the knowing the world can be a fucked place and thinking you can change it, is a dangerous cocktail. You live in two paradigms, one that the world is a good place and the other where people are disgustingly apathetic. And you reach out and grab the inspirational stories only to be taken by the gravitation of negativity. Social media has a way of exacerbating the extremes, probably why it effects me in both directions. All that said, I REALLY do believe the world is a better place now than it has ever been. It's me that isn't.

So how to deal with it? The only way I know how, 'ALL IN'. I know a great guy that has an unusual tendency to reference life through movies and TV.  I do it with music. Cue Billy Joel "I Go To Extremes". Though most folks will say they have no need for uncertainty, I tend to crave it, to an extent. I do suffer from lack of confidence but even with that I somehow manage to get myself in some uncomfortable situations and get through it, scratching my head too. But when I'm done, the light doesn't just dim, it goes out. Cue Jimmy Buffet "If we weren't all crazy we would go insane".

And there you have it. Mark being what he always has been, a crazy ass guy with no compass looking for nothing and trying to save the world while doing it. Head meet wall.

What's next? A trip like no other I've done. Well not since I moved to California. A very non lucid plan of riding my bike around the world. Have no idea of how long I might really do this but the idealistic side of me thinks 2 to 5 years. But reality will have a different outcome I'm sure. So it shall be.

NEXT ENTRY: THAT NOT SO LUCID PLAN